Shake it Loose...


Healing and Restoration.  That is the main reason the Lord has showed us, as well as others  as to why we are back in NY for a period of time.  While talking to my mom this afternoon I started to think I wonder how the lack of restoration and healing from past hurts has affected my relationships with others.  Here a few things that came to mind.
Jealousy
Anger
Misplaced Frustration
Loss of Friendships
Paranoia
Pessimism
Misery
These are just a few things that come to mind.  The difference is now I can see them as my problem.  Before it was misplaced and everyone else's problem but my own.  I hurt so much inside that I always saw an ulterior motive in everyone else.  Always looking for the meaning behind what was said. Always over analyzing prior conversations or emails trying to figure out what "they" really meant by that.  IT'S EXHAUSTING!!  Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Lol! This is how I was living my life.  
A very dear friend of my family who I love like an Aunt has this hand motion.  She lifts up her arms and just starts shaking her hands and says "I shake it loose."  I love it.  I'm adopting it.  What are we holding on to?  I know for me the Lord has been revealing a lot of past pains that I thought were dealt with.  But in actuality even though I had dealt with the initial pain or shock of the hurt I had not stopped it from defining me in some way.  I became "I have my eye on you and I'll always stay a step ahead of everyone by prejudging their thoughts towards me" Sharkiesha.  It's true.  
Like Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego, I want to make it through the fires of life.  But I want to make it out the way they did.  Without the smell of smoke.  Have you ever had smoke get in your clothes and in your hair? It wreaks, and so did I.  I may have made it through.  But my attitude and mentality stunk afterwards.  I don't want to smell like smoke any more.  I want to shake it loose.  It's not benefiting me at all to hold on to these attitudes, bitterness or resentments.  I thought I was protecting myself, but in actuality I did more harm to myself than anyone else.
So writing this today is two fold.  I know someone else out there is letting their past hurts define them.  They just have not acknowledged it yet.  They are living a protected life and not allowing people in.  They are comfortable keeping everyone on the surface or thinking the worst about them.  You may not even know who you truly are because you change depending on the company your in.  That was me.  I kept myself safe by having no identity.  Who I was for the day was determined by who I was with.  It protected me from feeling rejected. 
The second reason is I want to say I'm sorry.  I'm apologizing to any of my friends or family that I put my stuff on and did not give you a chance to love me for me.
The truth is that I viewed myself as unlovable for quite a few years.  I got hurt multiple times and so it had to mean that I was not worth love. No one would say that to my face but they had to be thinking it. That's the lie that I had bought into.  So I prejudged your every word, thought or action towards me.  I'm sorry.
That's not who I am any longer all glory to God.  He's faithful till the end.  But I am still a work very much in progress as we all are.  But God is most definitely healing and restoring.  Know that He is doing so in you as well. God is for us like no one else on this earth.  Like no one else.  Oh the power in knowing that.  So let it go.  There is a better you waiting to break forth. A more joyful you.  A freer you.  Let it go and...

Shake it Loose
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