So this is the first blog I've written since getting to Jacksonville 7 mos. ago. It's probably also my most honest. Today was one of those days where I just felt like I needed to run out of the house. With the excuse of needing to run to the store I headed out down the road. I quickly pulled into the McDonald's drive thru. Grabbed a large fry and a large coke. Pulled into a parking spot, turned on some music and just sobbed. I sat there in that spot for about 45 minutes. Afterward I grabbed what I needed and headed back home.
I have a hard time being vulnerable. I realized today that I like to appear that I have it all together. I'm a perfectionist. I don't like to look like I don't know what I'm doing. I don't like to look flawed. But the reality of it is I'm not perfect, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm not perfect and I do have flaws.
See this journey has not been easy. It's not easy to abandon a place you called home for 14 yrs. Leave a good job, the benefits, friends, family, a sense of security, to then move to a place where you have no job, no friends, no family and no sense of security. All you know is that God said GO and that you want to be obedient. There's times it gets lonely. There's times my mind wars with my spirit so hard that all I can do is literally sit on the floor in my prayer room, wrap my arms around myself and say Jesus I need you through all the tears. Thankfully this is not everyday. But it has been some days. But what I need for you to see is the "smile". A picture of perfection.
I'm learning today to be ok with where I am in this journey. God is not concerned with whether I'm right (perfectionist) or whether I'm wrong (I'm doubting everything right now). He's concerned about ME. Sometimes I think we focus too much on the symptoms or behaviors in one's life. It's about what we see and what we see right now in this moment defines what we are. Thankfully the symptoms and behaviors don't stop the heart of the Father from seeing my heart. My fries and coke meltdown in the middle of a parking lot did not stop Him from being in that car with me. It didn't stop Him from gathering me in His arms. It didn't stop Him from loving me. Because He see's me. The true me. The me I am becoming. The me that I don't even see...yet. The me that's to be.
So this is where I am in this wonderful journey. I'm learning to love me just as I am. I'm learning to be ok with being a mess sometimes. I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to have all the answers. Mess ups, mistakes and meltdowns are allowed. God just wants me to be me in whatever form that might be in this stage of the journey. He that's begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. He'll be faithful to complete, not Sharkiesha. I don't have to try and make it happen for myself. The pressure is off.
So here I am...believing that I am, now, fearfully and wonderfully made. Not that I will be once I can perfect my life. And in regards to this journey...It's not been easy, but it's been worth it all. I would do it again if He asked me too.
I'm so thankful that God loves us relentlessly. And that He says I don't need you to be perfect. I just need you to be YOU...
I'm Not Picture Perfect...and That's OK!
One of my fave songs that reminds me of how God truly feels about me. Click here and ENJOY!!
