Allow Yourself to Feel...


Just deal with it...
Get over it...
Move on...
It's not that big of a deal...
It could always be worse...


These are things that we say or others say sometimes to get through various hardships in our lives.  How come we hardly ever say Allow Yourself to Feel...


I'm learning now that I functioned most of my life by saying things like those listed above.  Or felt weak when others felt the need pass on those words of wisdom. I've been hurt many many many times in my life.  And I'm realizing now that dealing with them for me meant letting them go and moving on.  The problem was that letting them go and moving on also meant not truly dealing with them either.  For what ever reason I was not truly able to deal with my hurt.  Mainly because my tendacy is to focus on others and to make sure they are ok before myself.  Many times even the ones that hurt me.  


I have cried so much this week my head automatically hurts at just the thought of it.  A friend said to me last Sunday "I feel like the Lord is saying you need to release."  With a            smile on my face I nodded at her in agreement.  I just did not fully understand all that the Lord had in mind.  


I've said before in this blog that this Journey to Jacksonville has been an inward journey as much as a physical one.  God said that He wanted to Renew our mindsets.  We sold off all of our stuff because the Lord said He wanted this to be a New Start.  We take things literally sometimes with God and He means so much more.  I'm seeing that now.  


This week I literally have been shut down.  Borderline in a depressive state. I'm an over analyzer.  My brain does not shut down.  In doing so when something or someone hurts me I spend so much time trying to figure out the why and the what do I do to get past, that I don't take the time to feel.


Without going into details I had something heart wrenching happen to me this past week. It hurt me so bad that my mind literally became a fog.  I could not think.  I could not function.  I had been shut down.  All I could do was cry, sob, weep and sometimes groan day after day after day.  But in the process I started grieving some other hurts that I thought were already dealt with.  I don't think anyone likes being brokenhearted.  I know I don't.  So it's better to shove it down sooo deep that you don't even see it.  You definitely don't feel it.  It's almost like it never really happened.  So now I can just move past.  But who is that really helping?  Are you really dealing or are you just coping?  How long can you cope?  


Eventually something will trigger it. I used to give this analogy that I was like a cracked vase that the Lord had put back together again, but that you could still see the lines and the cracks from where I had been broken.  I feel like this week I handed my cracked vase back over to the Lord and He allowed for it to be shattered.  A couple of days ago that statement would have ended there.  Because I couldn't see how all the pain that I was feeling could be a good thing.  With my brain shut off the pieces just lay there for days.  I was broken and I felt every ounce of it. 


But I understand now that God doesn't just want to reassemble me.  He wants to make me whole.  He wants to completely restore me.  He wants me to heal.  I'm thankful for this time. I'm thankful that God saw fit to make me release.  I'm thankful and learning that Let Go and Let God no longer means suppress, ignore and Smile. It's ok for me to feel hurt, sad, mad or to grieve.  But then I can say Daddy I'm hurting, please fight this battle.  I don't completely understand.  But that's ok.  I'm not suppose too and I don't have too.  Thank God He loves and has a plan for us Over Analyzers.  

Make Up Your Mind to Know...

Romans 8:28 
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those that are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:31
What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8:35
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

Romans 8:37
Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

Romans 8:38-39
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels not principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Make up your mind to know today.  Make up your mind that no matter what comes your way that you will choose to believe what God says is truth. Not what your eyes are seeing nor how your emotions are leading.  Know in your Knower today.  I'm not going to lie to you and say this is easy or a quick fix to whatever your currently facing.  But what I know is that I got tired of the wavering.  I got tired of the battle in my mind of believing one minute God was for me and then having that truth be interrupted by whatever tactic the enemy chose to use that day to defeat me.  he's a liar and a thief and the devil does not play at all fair.  So you need to make up your mind to know.  The choice is yours.  What do you want to believe...

 

All my life, for Your glory.
 

   

The Need for Approval...

I never knew how strong of a bondage this could be.  The need for others approval, especially the approval of those most closest to you, can be the very tool used to immobilize you.  If it's not realized and you go through life always needing the approval of others eventually you lose any sense of self you ever had or hoped to have.  This is one of the mindsets that the Lord shed light on for Roger and I while we were being prepared for this journey.  I'd love to tell you that we've passed the test and have been completely set free.  But I can't.  That nasty spirit of approval is constantly trying to get it's hooks into us everyday.  Hence why you didn't hear from me yesterday.  

When the Lord has you walking out something like my family is currently doing , you have to be real careful who you share details with.  I've said it before, people will either bless you or curse  you.  And the enemy loves to use the one's that are suppose to be there no matter what.  That are suppose to love you regardless of whether they understand you or not.   Because with them you put your guard down.  You want to let them in. Because you just want to be loved.  You just want to be supported.  But then instead you are hit with the opposite.  Lack of concern or care.  Or just no concern or care whatsoever.  And before you know it your system is shocked.  Your spirit is broken.  If they can't love you, can anyone.  You just HURT!!! 

Love Well!!  This is what the Lord showed Roger and I.  See you can't change people.  What you can change is the way you let people affect you and the way you react to them.  Get to a point when you understand every relationship in your life and accept it for what it is without it depicting who you need to become to some how sustain it.  That's not you being true to who God's called you to be.  Answer 1 question for me.  Why is it that we feel such a need to change for every relationship in our life in hopes of keeping it and the person that we are doing it for never needs to do that for us?  It cuts both ways.  Relationships are give and take on both sides.  Eventually I just made up my mind that if I'm constantly trying to bend over backwards to keep the relationships in my life appeased then they should do the same for me. Accept me for me, not the person I have to change into just to get a glimpse of love from your eye.  And if you can't well here's the Love Well part.  I Accept that it's not my fault.  It's yours.  You've had too much control over my life for too long.  Time for it to come to an and.  But the key is learning to love them in spite of themselves.  If we can get to a place where no matter what we can still respond with an attitude of love and respect we render them powerless.  I'm still a work in progress.  But am so thankful that the Lord allowed me to see my need for approval and the detrimental affects it's had on my life.

So here's the deal. I'm living my life for Christ and trying my best to be who He desires for me to be.  For those that  can't accept that and support me in that, I will love you always, but I will no longer be bound and stagnated by you.

Trust Me for the Day by Day...

The next part of this journey is basically a whirlwind.  We pick up at the last weekend in July of 2011.  We had been living with friends for the last 2 yrs.  Just a season where the Lord joined our families together for a time to love on and serve each other.  It was a blessed time as we saw and supported each other through some pretty rough seasons.  Example they were with us when we found out about Roger's brain tumor and went through that with us.  It would have been so much harder without them.  But what I've learned from this season is that when God closes a door and says move you better take heed.  Delayed obedience is indeed disobedience.  Because of our disobedience a friendship was lost.  Anyone who knows me knows that I cherish all of my friendships.  These friends were like family to us.  This is a time of my life that I look back on and wish that I could have known then what I know now.

Our family moved abruptly the last weekend of July.  We knew at that point that we planned to go to Jacksonville around February of 2012.  But never planned on having to find another place to live between now and then.  We moved all of our belongings into storage and planned on getting a hotel for the weekend.  At that point we had very limited funds and knew we needed God to work something out in our favor.  The Lord just simply said to us Trust Me for the Day by Day.  With that our family of 4 moved into an extended stay for the weekend.  We also knew that the Lord had told us before the move that we needed to sell off all of our belongings and to downsize in preparation for Jacksonville.  We just had no idea that the selling off of our stuff would also be to aid in our survival.  Funny how the Lord puts ideas in your head at a certain time and you just have no idea what it really means for your future.  I'm so glad that I serve a God who see's the whole picture.

The extended stay that we moved into only lasted 2 nights.  It was just too expensive for us to stay at long term.  Especially since we had no idea how long term.  We found another place that was also an extended stay but for far less.  Well how many know sometimes you get what you pay for.  This was one of those times.  I will spare you the horrid details.  Lets just say these were some of the darkest days of this journey.  Thank God for Jesus. We prayed and worshiped a lot.  We needed too or we would have just given up totally.  I can't say we did not have talks of just packing up the car and heading to my mother's house in NY.  But God had us hold tight.  We got through the week that we had paid for at this particular establishment and moved into another.

*Shout out to a friend.  I have to thank my friend Christina. We would not have made it through this time of transition without her.  She faithfully picked me up for work or ran errands with me no matter where we were staying and we stayed at hotels sometimes 30 min away from her house as well as 30 min from our job.  She's been a faithful friend no matter what and I'm truly thankful for her.*

We finally moved into a nicer hotel minus the kitchen.  Just a microwave and small refrigerator.  But we made due for meals by purchasing a small skillet and sticking to hot dogs and hamburgers, etc.  We finally felt like we could take a breath.  Unfortunately that was short lived and lasted about 2 wks,  Our bank acct dwindled down rapidly and most of our belongings had been sold to pay for our current hotel stays or groceries.  Hotels are definitely for the short term.  

We had no money and our hotel stay was coming to an end.  I asked my friend Christina, mentioned above,if we could stay with her for the next 11 days,  Just until my next pay day and just so we could have some time to pray and seek God's will without any worries of where will we go looming over our heads.  She graciously agreed.  

Now of course during this time Roger and I had up days and down days but never together.  Well there was one day where he and I both were just done.  We were just weary.  We had no encouraging words for each other at all.  We felt alone and abandoned.  We felt forsaken. We started questioning everything that the Lord had told us to do. We questioned if we would ever feel that sense of FREEDOM we had just 3 mos. prior in Jacksonville. We felt Lost.  Also our time with Christina was coming to an end.  But bills were due and on top of that we still had not been shown what our next step should be, nor how we could afford it.

I headed to work and just asked the Lord "What should I do?"  He said "It's time to send an email.  It's time to let people know where you are at what's going on.  Share your needs.  Share your  heart and ask them to pray."  Ummm are you sure about that, Lord.  Now I'm kind of a closed book when my family is struggling.  I used to not be and learned the hard way that talking too much can open you up to a whole host of opinions you don't want or need.  People will either bless you or curse you with their words.  So everyone does not need to know the details of your life.  But that's what He said.  So I sat down at my desk and started typing names as they were given to me.  The request were as follows:

1. A job for Roger.

2. Childcare

3. A second vehicle (If need be for Roger and I both to get to and from work)

4. Most importantly prayer that whatever the Lord desired for us to learn during this time would be learned.  We don't want to go backwards.  We want all that the Lord has for our family.  So we have to fight. We have to and we won't give up. We won't let go of the hem of His garment.  We won't let go until He blesses us.  He ultimately is worth every struggle I will ever have to endure in this life. (These were my exact words written on September 1, 2011)

By 12:20 that day.  My friend Christina had offered for us to continue our stay with her.  Also Roger had his old job back which was right down the road from Christina's house.  A lady from a friends church offered to watch our girls for us.  She also was right down the road from Christina's house.  So I continued to ride to and from work with Christina.  Roger dropped off the girls at Miss Jackie's house and went to work. Christina and I picked them up and came on home.  It was just a divinely ordained scenario.

By 4:15 that same day  our family had a new home ultimately.  A co-worker of my mother in laws had an apartment for us to rent.  Now Roger had I had not been looking for an apartment because at this point we knew we were to head to Jacksonville January 27, 2012.  We knew that the Lord did not want us tied to anything contractually.  We needed to be ready to GO when He said GO!  This co-worker's apartment included all utilities, even internet for a really great rate.  He knew we were leaving in January and was totally fine with that.  We met with them that weekend and moved in the next day.  The place was even partially furnished.  The additional furniture needs were met by family and friends who allowed us to borrow from what they had until we left.  God provided for our every need.  Our Every Need.  We just have to Trust Him for the Day by Day.

I'm am so encouraged writing this blog and remembering all the things God's done in this amazing journey.   And we are only up to September 2011.  I pray this blog does exactly what the Lord intends for it to do.  It's all glory to Him.

In The Beginning.....

So to give you a better understanding about this blog we need to start from the beginning. Lets go back to March of 2011.  Roger and I were contacted by a couple of old friends.  Friends that we had not seen in 10 yrs.  Friends that for us represented a time when we were still courageous and life was lived to the fullest everyday.  When you weren't scared to dream and truly believe that those dreams were going to come true.  Needless to say with these thoughts and these friends this was more than just a care free visit that the Lord had in mind.  Well they came and we had a great time together.  But when they left Roger and I were left with a lot of questions.  See these friends of ours, well their life somewhat mirrored what Roger and I thought ours would look like back in our college days.  Both couples were on the same path.  We were going to be Youth Pastors.  The difference is that after college our friends went for it moving them to various places within and outside of the country. For us due to circumstances in our life we did not.  We landed in TN and set up camp and just did life.  But fast forward 10 yrs later and here we are together again kind of at a place of "God what happened."  

So after our friends left there was this nagging question in my mind of why did Roger and I never move.  Were we unhappy in TN?  No, but we were not thrilled with it either.  So what put us in a place of never thinking about pursuing something better.  Thus the question was asked that launched us on a journey we never imagned we'd embark on. Going to bed one evening I looked over at Roger and just said "Babe, how come we never moved."  To make a long story short what it came down to was that TN had become a place of safety.  Our world had been rocked so many times that we decided it was better to just play it safe and try and fly under the radar.  But what about the life that God had for us to live.  Did that life involve safety and comfort, not being known or seen.  Did that life mean never moving, literally and figuritively.  We began to realize in the midst of the last few years and bumpy roads and obstacles that came our way, we had let these things define us and dictate how we were to live.  Or in this case stop living.  We started thinking is TN where we want to be forever or would we like to move?  Can we believe for something better?   So we put it to prayer.  We asked the Lord for 3 cities.  If this was His will for our lives we felt He would be specific about it.  It did not mean that we had to embark on a journey all over the country in hopes of finding that one special place.  Well He answered.  He gave us Raleigh, NC, Jacksonville, FL and Omaha, NE.

Two of these cities had friends already set up there for us.  One city (Jacksonville) was the only one where we would know no one and would for us seem to be the least likely choice .  We set out to visit Jacksonville Memorial Day weekend in 2011.  Roger and I have said it many times.  Thank God we did not have the girls with us or we would not have ever returned to TN.  From the moment Roger and I got out of the car we were home.  I can't describe it.  It's just as if everything that had ever held us back in life melted away.  We experienced FREEDOM.  I say we experienced FREEDOM because it wasn't until we had to return that we realized how bound we were.  We'll talk about that in future post. 

When we got back home our girls were so excited about Jacksonville.  We had made a point not to really include them in discussions about the possible move and where we were thinking about going because we didn't want to get their hopes about any one place and then end up not going.  But as soon as we got back they wanted to talk about any and everything Jacksonville.  Taylor even wanted to study about it for school.  They had already discussed room colors and room decor.  In their hearts they were already there.  It was so awesome to have our excitement be met with theirs.  We knew.  This is it.  This is where we are suppose to go.  Little did we know that this was not just the beginning of a physical journey, but a spiritual journey that would deepen our faith more than we ever thought possible.