Allow Yourself to Feel...


Just deal with it...
Get over it...
Move on...
It's not that big of a deal...
It could always be worse...


These are things that we say or others say sometimes to get through various hardships in our lives.  How come we hardly ever say Allow Yourself to Feel...


I'm learning now that I functioned most of my life by saying things like those listed above.  Or felt weak when others felt the need pass on those words of wisdom. I've been hurt many many many times in my life.  And I'm realizing now that dealing with them for me meant letting them go and moving on.  The problem was that letting them go and moving on also meant not truly dealing with them either.  For what ever reason I was not truly able to deal with my hurt.  Mainly because my tendacy is to focus on others and to make sure they are ok before myself.  Many times even the ones that hurt me.  


I have cried so much this week my head automatically hurts at just the thought of it.  A friend said to me last Sunday "I feel like the Lord is saying you need to release."  With a            smile on my face I nodded at her in agreement.  I just did not fully understand all that the Lord had in mind.  


I've said before in this blog that this Journey to Jacksonville has been an inward journey as much as a physical one.  God said that He wanted to Renew our mindsets.  We sold off all of our stuff because the Lord said He wanted this to be a New Start.  We take things literally sometimes with God and He means so much more.  I'm seeing that now.  


This week I literally have been shut down.  Borderline in a depressive state. I'm an over analyzer.  My brain does not shut down.  In doing so when something or someone hurts me I spend so much time trying to figure out the why and the what do I do to get past, that I don't take the time to feel.


Without going into details I had something heart wrenching happen to me this past week. It hurt me so bad that my mind literally became a fog.  I could not think.  I could not function.  I had been shut down.  All I could do was cry, sob, weep and sometimes groan day after day after day.  But in the process I started grieving some other hurts that I thought were already dealt with.  I don't think anyone likes being brokenhearted.  I know I don't.  So it's better to shove it down sooo deep that you don't even see it.  You definitely don't feel it.  It's almost like it never really happened.  So now I can just move past.  But who is that really helping?  Are you really dealing or are you just coping?  How long can you cope?  


Eventually something will trigger it. I used to give this analogy that I was like a cracked vase that the Lord had put back together again, but that you could still see the lines and the cracks from where I had been broken.  I feel like this week I handed my cracked vase back over to the Lord and He allowed for it to be shattered.  A couple of days ago that statement would have ended there.  Because I couldn't see how all the pain that I was feeling could be a good thing.  With my brain shut off the pieces just lay there for days.  I was broken and I felt every ounce of it. 


But I understand now that God doesn't just want to reassemble me.  He wants to make me whole.  He wants to completely restore me.  He wants me to heal.  I'm thankful for this time. I'm thankful that God saw fit to make me release.  I'm thankful and learning that Let Go and Let God no longer means suppress, ignore and Smile. It's ok for me to feel hurt, sad, mad or to grieve.  But then I can say Daddy I'm hurting, please fight this battle.  I don't completely understand.  But that's ok.  I'm not suppose too and I don't have too.  Thank God He loves and has a plan for us Over Analyzers.